In other words, not true. On Sat, Oct 19, 2019, 3:29 PM Clem Cole wrote: > An old Usenet Apocrypha message. IIRC this show up after the great > automated crash in 1987 and was being used an example of why the IBM > monoculture led to the melt down of the markets. > > On Fri, Oct 18, 2019 at 9:16 PM Dave Horsfall wrote: > >> A little off-topic, but quite amusing... >> >> -- Dave >> >> ---------- Forwarded message ---------- >> >> Time to post this classic; I don't recall who wrote it. Note that the >> references are pretty obscure now... >> >> ----- >> >> VAXen, my children, just don't belong some places. In my business, I am >> frequently called by small sites and startups having VAX problems. So >> when a >> friend of mine in an Extremely Large Financial Institution (ELFI) called >> me one >> day to ask for help, I was intrigued because this outfit is a really >> major VAX >> user - they have several large herds of VAXen - and plenty of sharp >> VAXherds to >> take care of them. >> >> So I went to see what sort of an ELFI mess they had gotten into. It >> seems they >> had shoved a small 750 with two RA60s running a single application, PC >> style, >> into a data center with two IBM 3090s and just about all the rest of the >> disk >> drives in the world. The computer room was so big it had three street >> addresses. The operators had only IBM experience and, to quote my >> friend, they >> were having "a little trouble adjusting to the VAX", were a bit hostile >> towards >> it and probably needed some help with system management. Hmmm, >> hostility... >> Sigh. >> >> Well, I thought it was pretty ridiculous for an outfit with all that VAX >> muscle >> elsewhere to isolate a dinky old 750 in their Big Blue Country, and said >> so >> bluntly. But my friend patiently explained that although small, it was >> an >> "extremely sensitive and confidential application." It seems that the >> 750 had >> originally been properly clustered with the rest of a herd and in the >> care of >> one of their best VAXherds. But the trouble started when the Chief User >> went >> to visit his computer and its VAXherd. >> >> He came away visibly disturbed and immediately complained to the ELFI's >> Director of Data Processing that, "There are some very strange people in >> there >> with the computers." Now since this user person was the Comptroller of >> this >> Extremely Large Financial Institution, the 750 had been promptly hustled >> over >> to the IBM data center which the Comptroller said, "was a more suitable >> place." >> The people there wore shirts and ties and didn't wear head bands or >> cowboy >> hats. >> >> So my friend introduced me to the Comptroller, who turned out to be five >> feet >> tall, 85 and a former gnome of Zurich. He had a young apprentice gnome >> who was >> about 65. The two gnomes interviewed me in whispers for about an hour >> before >> they decided my modes of dress and speech were suitable for managing >> their >> system and I got the assignment. >> >> There was some confusion, understandably, when I explained that I would >> immediately establish a procedure for nightly backups. The senior gnome >> seemed >> to think I was going to put the computer in reverse, but the apprentice's >> son >> had an IBM PC and he quickly whispered that "backup" meant making a copy >> of a >> program borrowed from a friend and why was I doing that? Sigh. >> >> I was shortly introduced to the manager of the IBM data center, who >> greeted me >> with joy and anything but hostility. And the operators really weren't >> hostile >> - it just seemed that way. It's like the driver of a Mack 18 wheeler, >> with a >> condo behind the cab, who was doing 75 when he ran over a moped doing its >> best >> to get away at 45. He explained sadly, "I really warn't mad at mopeds >> but to >> keep from runnin' over that'n, I'da had to slow down or change lanes!" >> >> Now the only operation they had figured out how to do on the 750 was >> reboot it. >> This was their universal cure for any and all problems. After all it >> works on a >> PC, why not a VAX? Was there a difference? Sigh. >> >> But I smiled and said, "No sweat, I'll train you. The first command you >> learn >> is HELP" and proceeded to type it in on the console terminal. So the >> data >> center manager, the shift supervisor and the eight day-operators watched >> the >> LA100 buzz out the usual introductory text. When it finished they turned >> to me >> with expectant faces and I said in an avuncular manner, "This is your >> most >> important command!" >> >> The shift supervisor stepped forward and studied the text for about a >> minute. >> He then turned with a very puzzled expression on his face and asked, >> "What do >> you use it for?" Sigh. >> >> Well, I tried everything. I trained and I put the doc set on shelves by >> the >> 750 and I wrote a special 40 page doc set and then a four page doc set. >> I >> designed all kinds of command files to make complex operations into >> simple >> foreign commands and I taped a list of these simplified commands to the >> top of >> the VAX. The most successful move was adding my home phone number. >> >> The cheat sheets taped on the top of the CPU cabinet needed continual >> maintenance, however. It seems the VAX was in the quietest part of the >> data >> center, over behind the scratch tape racks. The operators ate lunch on >> the CPU >> cabinet and the sheets quickly became coated with pizza drippings, etc. >> >> But still the most used solution to hangups was a reboot and I gradually >> got >> things organized so that during the day when the gnomes were using the >> system, >> the operators didn't have to touch it. This smoothed things out a lot. >> >> Meanwhile, the data center was getting new TV security cameras, a halon >> gas >> fire extinguisher system and an immortal power source. The data center >> manager >> apologized because the VAX had not been foreseen in the plan and so could >> not >> be connected to immortal power. The VAX and I felt a little rejected but >> I >> made sure that booting on power recovery was working right. At least it >> would >> get going again quickly when power came back. >> >> Anyway, as a consolation prize, the data center manager said he would >> have one >> of the security cameras adjusted to cover the VAX. I thought to myself, >> "Great, now we can have 24 hour video tapes of the operators eating >> Chinese >> takeout on the CPU." I resolved to get a piece of plastic to cover the >> cheat >> sheets. >> >> One day, the apprentice gnome called to whisper that the senior was going >> to >> give an extremely important demonstration. Now I must explain that what >> the >> 750 was really doing was holding our National Debt. The Reagan >> administration >> had decided to privatize it and had quietly put it out for bid. My >> Extreme >> Large Financial Institution had won the bid for it and was, as ELFIs are >> wont >> to do, making an absolute bundle on the float. >> >> On Monday the Comptroller was going to demonstrate to the board of >> directors >> how he could move a trillion dollars from Switzerland to the Bahamas. >> The >> apprentice whispered, "Would you please look in on our computer? I'm >> sure >> everything will be fine, sir, but we will feel better if you are >> present. I'm >> sure you understand?" I did. >> >> Monday morning, I got there about five hours before the scheduled demo to >> check >> things over. Everything was cool. I was chatting with the shift >> supervisor >> and about to go upstairs to the Comptroller's office. Suddenly there was >> a >> power failure. >> >> The emergency lighting came on and the immortal power system took over >> the load >> of the IBM 3090s. They continued smoothly, but of course the VAX, still >> on >> city power, died. Everyone smiled and the dead 750 was no big deal >> because it >> was 7 AM and gnomes don't work before 10 AM. I began worrying about >> whether I >> could beg some immortal power from the data center manager in case this >> was a >> long outage. >> >> Immortal power in this system comes from storage batteries for the first >> five >> minutes of an outage. Promptly at one minute into the outage we hear the >> gas >> turbine powered generator in the sub-basement under us automatically >> start up >> getting ready to take the load on the fifth minute. We all beam at each >> other. >> >> At two minutes into the outage we hear the whine of the backup gas >> turbine >> generator starting. The 3090s and all those disk drives are doing just >> fine. >> Business as usual. The VAX is dead as a door nail but what the hell. >> >> At precisely five minutes into the outage, just as the gas turbine is >> taking >> the load, city power comes back on and the immortal power source commits >> suicide. Actually it was a double murder and suicide because it took >> both >> 3090s with it. >> >> So now the whole data center was dead, sort of. The fire alarm system >> had its >> own battery backup and was still alive. The lead acid storage batteries >> of the >> immortal power system had been discharging at a furious rate keeping all >> those >> big blue boxes running and there was a significant amount of sulfuric >> acid >> vapor. Nothing actually caught fire but the smoke detectors were >> convinced it >> had. >> >> The fire alarm klaxon went off and the siren warning of imminent halon >> gas >> release was screaming. We started to panic but the data center manager >> shouted >> over the din, "Don't worry, the halon system failed its acceptance test >> last >> week. It's disabled and nothing will happen." >> >> He was half right, the primary halon system indeed failed to discharge. >> But the >> secondary halon system observed that the primary had conked and instantly >> did >> its duty, which was to deal with Dire Disasters. It had twice the >> capacity and >> six times the discharge rate. >> >> Now the ear splitting gas discharge under the raised floor was so massive >> and >> fast, it blew about half of the floor tiles up out of their framework. It >> came >> up through the floor into a communications rack and blew the cover panels >> off, >> decking an operator. Looking out across that vast computer room, we >> could see >> the air shimmering as the halon mixed with it. >> >> We stampeded for exits to the dying whine of 175 IBM disks. As I was >> escaping >> I glanced back at the VAX, on city power, and noticed the usual >> flickering of >> the unit select light on its system disk indicating it was happily >> rebooting. >> >> Twelve firemen with air tanks and axes invaded. There were frantic phone >> calls >> to the local IBM Field Service office because both the live and backup >> 3090s >> were down. About twenty minutes later, seventeen IBM CEs arrived with >> dozens >> of boxes and, so help me, a barrel. It seems they knew what to expect >> when an >> immortal power source commits murder. >> >> In the midst of absolute pandemonium, I crept off to the gnome office and >> logged on. After extensive checking it was clear that everything was >> just fine >> with the VAX and I began to calm down. I called the data center >> manager's >> office to tell him the good news. His secretary answered with, "He isn't >> expected to be available for some time. May I take a message?" I left a >> slightly smug note to the effect that, unlike some other computers, the >> VAX was >> intact and functioning normally. >> >> Several hours later, the gnome was whispering his way into a >> demonstration of >> how to flick a trillion dollars from country 2 to country 5. He was just >> coming to the tricky part, where the money had been withdrawn from >> Switzerland >> but not yet deposited in the Bahamas. He was proceeding very slowly and >> the >> directors were spellbound. I decided I had better check up on the data >> center. >> >> Most of the floor tiles were back in place. IBM had resurrected one of >> the >> 3090s and was running tests. What looked like a bucket brigade was >> working on >> the other one. The communication rack was still naked and a fireman was >> standing guard over the immortal power corpse. Life was returning to >> normal, >> but the Big Blue Country crew was still pretty shaky. >> >> Smiling proudly, I headed back toward the triumphant VAX behind the tape >> racks >> where one of the operators was eating a plump jelly bun on the 750 CPU. >> He saw >> me coming, turned pale and screamed to the shift supervisor, "Oh my God, >> we >> forgot about the VAX!" Then, before I could open my mouth, he rebooted >> it. It >> was Monday, 19-Oct-1987. VAXen, my children, just don't belong some >> places. >> >> -- Dave >> >